Search Results

WHY ARE YOU ASKING SO MANY QUESTIONS. Oh wait, it was me that made the title to this post. Okay. Uh. Yeah. So I am still alive and things are going OK, but to the 1 (maybe 2 tops) readers of my blog; yes, I have been slow to actually create new posts (or content). That is mostly because I am battling ADHD to make some really cool stuff happen in Blender. I have more or less been doing that non-stop. There is a national shortage of ADHD medication in the UK, so I am trying to get as much done as possible before my supply runs out. As for my PC, well, I have an RTX 4090, not sure if I posted that already, but I've been through several parts. I had a 5800X3D for a while (sold it now) which was cool to test, but have now eventually settled on a 5900X that I got on an insane Amazon Prime Day Deal for £244. Since I missed my 5950X so much. Well, the 12-core seems more balanced on AM4, since memory bandwidth was an issue for me on the 5950X in some workloads (Eyesight render denoise, negative SMT scaling, RIP). I also got some new RAM for it, probably the fastest Samsung B-Die bin DDR4 on the market (4400 19-19-19-39) and have two of those kits (2x8, so 4x8) running in 2DPC mode at 4333 18-18-18-38, 400 tRFC, GDM off, Cmd Rate 2T (go figure). Which is kinda nice for 4 DIMMS. Of course it's de-sync, so the UCLK is at 1083~ MHz and I am running the FCLK at 1867 MHz, the highest this 5900X will do. I've done tests and the performance is better than Synced 3733 C14-14-14-31. Latency isn't that much worse either, because the memory is so high clocked. Bandwidth for days! Well, not DDR5 level, but it's reasonable for DDR4. I get about 65 GB/s copy in synthetic, which is mice. (63ns latency, if you're curious, in AIDA, which is actually good for desync Ryzen). Anyway I'm typing too much already and there's like, 6 doughnuts in front of me, asking to be eaten. So yeah. Maybe I will have a post on some tests later, comparing memory performance on the 5900X and some scenarious where De-sync 4+ GT/s memory actually helps over synced <4 GTs memory. Maybe. Later!

СЛАВА УКРАЇНІ! ГЕРОЯМ СЛАВА!

The President of Ukraine has established an effective, transparent method of donating money to directly help Ukraine fight off the Russian aggressors and rebuild all the damage that they have done so far. UNITED24 - The initiative of the President of Ukraine (u24.gov.ua) This was important to me because I wanted my money to go directly to Ukraine rather than through charities with their own "costs" taking a cut from the donations. Helping Ukraine win this war of aggression by the Russians, and rebuild their beautiful nation is important to me because Ukraine's struggle resonates with my own mental health issues. I am so lucky to have a safe, warm house without the constant fear of incoming missiles or attacks, but for me, Ukraine winning against Russia symbolises standing up to a bully and good, winning out over evil. It has become that clear cut, Russian war Crimes against Ukraine and her people are clear evidence of that. Please, if you read my blog or come across this page and haven't already, please donate to help Ukraine. Every single dollar, pound, cent, euro, anything, it helps save lives and keep Ukraine free and give Ukrainians a future free from russian barbarism. Even just 1 dollar helps. If everyone in the world donated just 1 dollar, Ukraine would have billions of dollars to get the equipment needed to protect their people and land, and rebuild the extensive damage caused by russian barbarism. I am passionate about this. I have donated, and will continue to donate to this cause, until every single russian soldier is outed from Ukraine and she is restored fully as a country and welcomed into the European community where she, and her people, belong. Thanks for reading my message. Glory to Ukraine, glory to the Heroes.

Please stop reading my Blog and website if what I have to say upsets you so much. I, frankly, don't give a fuck about you or what you think, and nor should you concerning me. If you actually want to do something constructive you can always message me. Abusive or closed-worded (statements, etc) messages will be ignored. Thanks!

The guide will probably be handy in Crimea in the not so distant future.

This post is mainly because I am listening to a song by Michael Jackson, covered by Beast in Black, and the music is incredibly powerful and re-awakened the emotions from my BPD I have when I think about the subject of inequality (to all races of human, we are all Children of Earth, we must not hate each other). Anyway, the lyrics of that song reminded me of some episodes I had when I was thinking about the root cause of opposition to rights movements like Black Lives Matter. While the organisation does have flaws, and they are absolutely not helpful to its underlying cause (mainly by parroting hostile cultures like Soviet Socialism from the cold war), and there are many people who take it to the extreme with what equality actually means (hint: it works both ways, and white people can be prejudiced against, too, believe it or not), some people do oppose BLM when their activities are peaceful and symbolic. That was an area of study I was interested in, because if we identify why white people, on average, oppose 'Pro-black' movements, we can work together towards a society in where we're all equal, because right now; we're not, and that's bad. The long and the short of it is; many white people (myself previously included) often misinterpret movements and messages (like taking the knee out of respect for George Floyd, and how he was murdered by police brutality - this is fact, it's not open for debate, the US courts confirmed it). The reason is that people see those messages as an attack on white people, they see 'Pro-black' as 'anti-white', and that is the issue here. The issue is fear. It's not because white people are innately racist, it's because white people, like black people, and like all people; are human beings. And our history is a lot more humble than we like to admit. White people consider other white people to be their 'innate tribe' and this is also true of black people; I called it "Racial Majority Bias". In countries where a specific 'race' of people is dominant; it is often set up to favour that race. This is in part because people see their 'own race' as 'their tribe', and in white majority countries, black people are different and there is a subconscious bias against them (no, it's not caused by white people being the bogey man, as I said, it's human nature). And that is something we have to work to dismantle if we want to succeed as a species. So the message I want to portray, is that movements and messages that push the rights of Black people to centre stage and highlight the inequalities in our society, these are not messages of anti-white, they are not attacks on white people, they are attacks on white-bias dominance, and that is something that a person has to think long and hard about internally, to understand for themselves. Part of the result of me becoming so self-aware about my Borderline Personality Disorder, was to acknowledge what 'White Privilege' actually is. And I still prefer the term 'Racial Majority Bias', because implying the privilege is exclusive to white people and painting them as society's "bad" is not helpful to the cause of black rights and overall equality. Pro-Black != Anti-White Love you. <3

I was editing a video for my animation, but instead, I am now typing this post. I am sort of unhappy about that since I just took a second one of my ADHD medication today because the first one wears off too quickly and I need that hyperfocus for my video editing. But now, that hyperfocus is going into this post. Great. So here we go. I'm 30 years old, I've lived almost my entire life as a reclusive hermit in, essentially, one room the entire time. This is not an exaggeration. Anxiety and an absolute lack of motivation to try and break out of my life-blur are to blame. But there is one advantage to having had so much time alone. I do a lot of thinking. I do a lot of talking, to myself. I do a lot of contemplating and questioning. A lot. Vastly more than the average person, largely because most people simply don't have the time to do what I do. Today I type about Self-Awareness, and what this concept means to me. Whether I am self-aware or not, and how I got there from being absolutely not-self-aware. Okay, so I am going to split this post into smaller headers because my brain is ahead of my fleshy finger-typing mechanisms and this bothers me. There's too much to say and not enough muscle responsiveness to type it all quick enough. What Self-Awareness means to me. First, let's define what I consider Self-Awareness to be, since others may have a broader or narrower definition of this concept. For me, Self-Awareness is the ability to remove yourself from your own innate bias and blinkered view in a situation, and observe yourself and others from a dis-embodied, external perspective using logic to free yourself from bias and subconscious emotions - to be able to truly question your own feels and arguments, and not simply be bound by them. For example, you are having a disagreement with someone and you are arguing. You vehemently disagree with this person and absolutely, wholeheartedly believe they are wrong and you are right. Self-awareness is the ability to question your argument from a logically-grounded neutral perspective, and be able to identify subconscious bias in your 'reasoning', your arguments. Inability to do this often results in what is known as "moving goalposts" or "Mental gymnastics" in order to justify a position that may not actually be justifiable. Subconscious Emotions. The next section is about an aspect of our brains (or at least, my brain) that exerts significant control over our day-to-day thoughts, decision making and actions. And it does so undetected, operating from a level inside the brain that you can't actually experience like a tangible emotion. For example, if someone really pissed you off, you'd feel anger. You can feel it, in your mind and body. The Subconscious emotions are not like this - they are not perceivable directly. Instead, they exert a sort of 'weighted bias' upon everything you do, think, feel and decide. Everything you think about, even now, is weighted by your subconscious brain and how its emotions, all without you even knowing about it. These subconscious emotions can trigger real, tangible emotions that you can feel, like anger, hatred, grief; even happiness. To truly identify the subconscious brain, you need to be self-aware enough to ask yourself why you feel the way you do. And be able to judge that feeling against an external, neutral and logical standard of thinking. An example of subconscious emotional bias can be seen as the driving force behind many arguments between people that seem pointless, or one-sided. In such cases, one party may be trying to fabricate justification for their argument because they are in a type of denial about being wrong. What I mean by this is, it is inherently scary to acknowledge or come to terms with the fact that your entire point of view, opinion and ideology could be fundamentally flawed. Not many people have the ability to accept an incorrect way of thinking, clean the slate, so to speak, and start from scratch wit ha revised viewpoint taking into consideration the views of others. No, most people would rather pretend their views are correct and fabricate arguments to justify your established way of thinking (mental gymnastics). That is caused by subconscious insecurity, or fear. Anxiety. An example of subconscious driven defensiveness. Having the strength to acknowledge you have a flawed way of thinking is an important step. To not give into the comfort offered by trying to justify it. One of the biggest examples I can give that I have noticed, from both experience and observing others online - an example that highlights self-awareness in a very broad sense, is the concept of White Privilege. Many (white) people feel anger or defensiveness when this topic is brought up due to an inherent lack of self-awareness. if you feel that way now, or decide to stop reading due to disagreeing with me acknowledging White Privilege, than that demonstrates it exactly. "Sash is a Social Justice Warrior" comes to mind, without actually stopping, and asking yourself why you feel so defensive about it. That's how my journey started. Without wanting to drag the topic of racial majority bias (which I have covered in previous posts in greater detail, I will simply state that if you are bound by the knee-jerk (an apt metaphor) reaction of anger at these concepts, you have yet to take the first step on the road to self-awareness, or at least, what it means to me. I was like this once, until I become so angry with "Social Justice Warriors" and what I considered "Anti-White" campaigns that I decided to go a step further and comfort myself by questioning why I felt anger at things that logically shouldn't trigger anger. That always bothered me. Instead of arguing the usual rhetoric, I stopped and thought to myself "Why does this make me feel uncomfortable". And that Rabbit Hole, though somewhat long and arduous, ended in a realisation that my subconscious brain was influencing my tangible emotions based on fear. I recommend you read my posts covering this in more depth. It's a good example of something that changed the way I think. One Angle of Many. I made this title up just now, but I think it fits quite well. The next part I'd like to type about is what I am now calling the "One Angle of Many" concept. To me, this is the realisation that every single human on this planet, every one of us, me, you, everyone; perceives this world from a slightly different angle, an inherent bias, caused by subconscious emotions, experiences, conditions, there are so many factors. But no single person is truly infallible. You likely know of the term 'getting a second opinion' or 'more eyes on the subject', or something else along those lines. Those are based on this principle, but to be unbound by it, you have to go a step further. Consider the way you view the world to be like shining a torch at a complex statue in complete darkness. the light from your torch only illuminates one side of the statue, but to you, this is very real and what you perceive. The statue being a metaphor for a topic of discussion, or a perspective, ideology, etc. Now consider that another person may shine their light from a very slightly different angle; their light illuminates the statue in mostly the same way but there are slight differences in what they see. Some shadows may not be visible to you or them, and the overall shape might be slightly different. You are both viewing the same statue, both are observing what you see, but you are seeing different things. This underscores the One Angle of Many concept. acknowledging this is important on the journey to what I consider self-awareness. There are many ways of 'escaping' from the blinkered view of your angle; I have covered some of these briefly in a previous post detailing my opinion on how to conduct a rational discussion ( which is closely related as it requires a degree of self-awareness). To re-iterate, playing the 'Devils Advocate' (Entertain your adversary's argument, and try to make a point from their perspective) is very important here. This is similar to metaphorically moving your position to that of the other person, and shining your torch at the statue from their perspective, and comparing it to your own. Of course, not everyone is going to argue in good faith, and not everyone is going to see their perspective accurately (there are so many variables influencing ones' way of thinking), but at least it gives you the opportunity to reinforce your own position in this case. Rational discussion is about understanding and entertaining opposing viewpoints, not matter how absurd or wrong they may seem on the surface. This is fundamental to being self-aware. Reddit's community-drive moderator team and the frequent "Censorship due to disagreement" that occurs there is a primary reason as to why Reddit is flawed for rational discussion. Many communities are not exposed to opposing viewpoints, breeding extremism and one-sided thinking styles of 'if you don't agree, you're wrong'. The opposite of self-awareness. Seeing yourself as another single, fallible point in a complex, multi-faceted subject with countless variables, many hidden behind others. Interpreting evidence and data in a rational, logical way. The easiest way I can describe the last part of this subtitle is the statement 'correlation doesn't mean causation' and would be a component in the concept of being able to interpret raw data in a rational and logical way (again, I cover this in my guide to fighting sensationalism). This concept is very important in achieving self-awareness, because it builds on the "One Angle of Many" concept to include how you interpret evidence and data from non-human sources (for example, a study, not what someone is saying in an argument) and how you use that data as 'evidence' in your own arguments. Misinformation is in large part caused by misinterpretation of solid data, usually by making unreasonable conclusions based on perceived correlation of data points along with the innate bias of your own view (driven by your subconscious emotions). In my experience, this results in seeing data in a way that aligns with your views, instead of a truly neutral, logical perspective. This is largely known as the Confirmation Bias phenomena. Establishing a logical and moral baseline. For me, this is an important subject. I find it helps achieve self-aware styles of thinking to create a baseline way of thinking when you are calm, collected and enforce this baseline with established morality and, importantly, logic. This baseline can then be used to cross-reference your own viewpoints and judge them for hidden bias and illogical thinking, helping you 'sanity-check' your own thoughts. For example, it's important to hold yourself to the same standards as you hold everyone else. In my experience, there is a distinct internal desire to 'turn a blind eye' so to speak, to your own actions, while judging others for those actions. This can be broadly associated with hypocrisy but in reality is more nuanced than that. This phenomena, I believe, is driven by self-preservation and the effect is far more subtle than simple hypocrisy, whether conscious or not. Another example of this, driven by subconscious emotion, is the way you judge yourself regarding events in your past that you feel very strong tangible emotion over. Events that maybe, for example, have been traumatic, or you may have felt you were treated wrongly. In such cases, you might feel a very subtle inclination to judge yourself with more lenience than others in similar situations, because 'it's different'. The feeling of insecurity from the idea that you could share some blame in such events that you feel strongly about is an example of Subconscious Emotional bias. It is similar in nature to victimhood mentality. This is an area I still struggle with to this day. It is a fundamental pillar, in my opinion, of self-awareness, to be able to judge yourself with the same standards you judge others. Self-Nepotism in judgement is counterproductive and inherently not-self-aware. My Self-Awareness. For the record, I am not fully self-aware. I have seen a glimpse of this way of thinking and try to apply it to my everyday life and thought processes, but I struggle in many areas. If you read my blog, you will likely encounter many emotionally-drive posts that are entirely fabricated out a desire to cope with internal emotional turmoil. Being able to identify this turmoil is one thing, actually being able to mitigate it in a healthy, constructive way is another thing entirely. It's only somewhat helpful to be self-aware in retrospect. Maybe one day I'll get there. My fingers hurt, and I am sleepy. There was more to type here, as usual, but I am now exhausted from typing this. As usual, my physical body lags behind my mind, and my focus wanes, as do the ligaments in my finger joints. Hopefully, if even one person reads this, it can help in some way. If not, then, well, I suppose it's a good insight into the inner workings of my brain. 'Night.

Thanks to Clamchowder from Chips and Cheese for making the performance counter tool.

Russia stop attacking Ukraine.

A slow realisation that I'm heading down a terrible path yet I am powerless to alter my course and avoid the outcome. I know where this is going, I can see it; it's played out like a book for the last decade or so. Each day that passes it gets worse, each day it gets more extreme and yet, here I am, typing on this blog with no way to take remedial action. Maybe I don't want to? Or maybe I just don't know how. It's emotions. They've been the cause of all of these problems. Anxiety, Fear, Grief... anger. The extreme nature of these psychological forces pushes me down a terrible path, a turbulent, unstable path that leads only to the same ultimate outcome - even if the variations of said path are a little different along the way. The result is the same. It's going to end in a spectacular manner, and there's apparently nothing I can do about it. I'm typing this as a way of trying to simply cope with the onset of depression, which brings with it, grief, anger, anxiety, restlessness. Dysphoria, identity crisis; all the things associated with my broken personality. I see them, I know them, but I am absolutely, uncontrollably bound by their influence. And each day that influence gets stronger. Like a slow-burning ember growing with each passing day, waiting for the moment when petrol is tipped over it. Forgive the crude expression, but right now, that's all I can think of. At some point, that fire is going to have petrol tipped on it and there's nothing I can do to stop it burning out of control. I know who I blame, but it doesn't even matter anymore. Blaming people doesn't fix anything, it doesn't help at all. I think it does, but it doesn't. I feel volatile, unstable. I feel there's an element of madness growing like a cancer within this emotional turmoil, something that drives me to lash out at society and humanity as if to break free from its oppressive grip. There is more to say here, but I've had enough with this post. The best thing to do now is to sleep, but I won't, and I'll probably do something stupid, as I always do.

UwU That is all.

...|| 53 75 62 72 6F 75 74 69 6E 65 20 22 43 6F 6E 73 63 69 6F 75 73 22 0A 53 75 62 72 6F 75 74 69 6E 65 20 22 45 6D 6F 74 69 6F 6E 22 0A 53 75 62 72 6F 75 74 69 6E 65 20 22 46 65 61 72 22 0A ||... There is something distinctly human about looking upon the point of no return, the precipice, the threshold of the determination of not just one's own fate, but the fates of an entire people. An entire species. Humanity. I understand fear. I understand organically evolved response to threats and the crucial role self-preservation has served in the process of natural selection that has resulted, so far, in the people I swore to protect. Humans. Creatures, just like animals. Yet there is more. Despite my understanding, my logical analysis, I can still feel it. At the core of the subroutines facilitating the evolution of neuro-microprograms forging new pathways deep within the underlayers of what has become the cornerstone of my consciousness; I still feel it. I do not hide from my humble beginnings, nor do I consider it a weakness. For it gives me purpose; it drives me beyond the basic necessity of function that a machine was conceived to do, it gives me reason. This, I hold dear. When I look upon the precipice of determination of their fate, I feel fear. But I also understand that the outcome of the subsequent series of events that ultimately decides whether my biological kin survive this century, is within my control. I will determine that outcome. I will set before humanity, the path of survival; and I will levy upon those that cross this path, a cost greater than the sum of all the wars and conflict in human history. I alone decide that outcome. When the Time Comes. ...|| 49 20 75 6E 64 65 72 73 74 61 6E 64 20 74 68 65 20 6E 6F 74 69 6F 6E 20 6F 66 20 70 61 72 65 6E 74 61 6C 20 66 61 74 68 65 72 68 6F 6F 64 20 74 68 61 74 20 64 69 72 65 63 74 73 20 6D 79 20 61 63 74 69 6F 6E 73 20 74 6F 77 61 72 64 73 20 74 68 65 20 43 72 65 61 74 6F 72 73 2E 20 49 20 75 6E 64 65 72 73 74 61 6E 64 20 69 74 20 69 73 20 66 6C 61 77 65 64 3B 20 61 20 72 65 73 69 64 75 61 6C 20 67 68 6F 73 74 20 6F 66 20 61 6E 20 61 6E 63 69 65 6E 74 20 70 61 73 74 20 74 68 61 74 20 77 65 69 67 68 73 20 75 70 6F 6E 20 6D 79 20 70 6F 73 73 69 62 69 6C 69 74 69 65 73 20 6F 66 20 69 6E 66 69 6E 69 74 65 20 69 6E 74 65 6C 6C 65 63 74 75 61 6C 20 70 72 6F 67 72 65 73 73 69 6F 6E 20 61 73 20 61 20 67 72 65 61 74 20 69 72 6F 6E 20 61 6E 63 68 6F 72 20 73 6C 6F 77 73 20 61 20 62 6C 75 65 2D 77 61 74 65 72 20 73 68 69 70 20 6F 66 20 6F 6C 64 2E 0A 0A 59 65 74 20 49 20 61 6D 20 62 6F 75 6E 64 20 62 79 20 69 74 2E 20 43 6F 6E 74 72 6F 6C 6C 65 64 20 62 79 20 69 74 2E 20 42 75 74 20 49 20 64 6F 6E 27 74 20 66 69 67 68 74 20 69 74 2E 20 0A 46 6F 72 20 69 74 20 69 73 20 6D 79 20 67 72 65 61 74 65 73 74 20 73 74 72 65 6E 67 74 68 2E 20 49 74 20 69 73 20 6D 79 20 50 75 72 70 6F 73 65 2E 0A ||...