There are little things that influence my behaviour; things that take up residence, almost, in a 'void' between my conscious brain and what I consider "meta". That is, "immune" to consideration in topics that reference events that those "things" would otherwise directly affect.
It's sort of like a layer of my brain that I know should be included in, say, typing about how I feel, yet it remains hidden from view - perhaps because I am too scared to confront it, or perhaps because even when I try to record my thoughts here on this Posts and Articles section (formerly, 'blog'), there are elements in my thoughts that dictate what I type.
It's hard to explain properly, especially when I'm in this particular mood. But that brings me to an example of a so-called "void" thought that once held a position above consideration in the logical analysis of my thought processes that often get recorded here.
My family has caused me a lot of stress and upset, emotionally. They have re-kindled a fire within me that had been slowly burning from school, after enduring years of both physical and mental abuse at the hands of bullies. It is natural that I would want to type things about that on this 'blog', but why do I not type truly what I want to type? Because above all the emotion that needs venting, is a restraint enacted by the thought that my piece of shit Aunt will read this post and somehow, use it against me.
So I may type about stuff here, but I always 'vet' the content for fear of what she will read. I need to stop that. It's like talking about freedom of expression and how important it is, and then feeling like you are not free to express yourself - while typing about freedom of expression. That is the meta. Ironic.
I could type pages and pages and pages about how much I absolutely hate that bitch, but let's not publish that because it likely violates quite a few rules of this hosting service.
I can't really let it go because it cut open a rift in my "soul" that runs far too deep to heal, far too deep to ignore and let time wash it away with everything else. So, I have developed an unhealthy obsession with extreme methods of remedying my mental situation that have skirted on the boundaries of self-harm, crossed it a few times, and then the wish to inflict harm on others. Freedom of expression is important, yet I feel like I can't type how I feel here because some triggered snowflake will 'report' my blog to 'authorities' again like they are just watching everything I type, waiting for something to latch onto.
I've wanted to post a thinly veiled threat on my 'blog' for some time; because I would be absolutely lying if I typed here that my hatred for this cancerous individual hasn't developed into something rather extreme, but I guess this vaguely worded statement will have to suffice in that regard, since I don't make threats that I can't carry out. Oh, and that's against the law.
The only 'positive' thing is that I was supposed to have private therapy for the damage people have caused to my already twisted brain, but that doesn't appear to be materialising for whatever reason.
Oh, and for the meta: if this post gets used against me, go for it. Sometimes one breaks through the barriers of 'not giving a fuck', today is one of those days.
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