I've wanted to make a more concise post about my mum for a long time now. This post is dedicated to my mother, who for the last 31 years has supported me without a second thought. It's important to realise that I'm not a normal person; most children have some level of independence from their late teens, and are likely almost completely independent when they're into their twenties.
I am not.
Due to a complex series of mental health issues and crippling anxiety, exacerbated by an extreme fear of people likely the result of PTSD from childhood abuse and dealing with abusive people over my life, I have essentially relied almost completely on my mother to provide an additonal level of care that I simply couldn't survive without.
Some people (such as my father and sister, and others among my family) are a proponents of 'exposure therapy' and have, in the past, criticised my mum's care for making me reliant on her. This is a fallacy due to these individual's complete lack of understanding of my situation, my mum's situation, and the complex mental health issues that even you (if you're real) the reader of my blog, have likely realised if you have followed this blog for a few years.
The harsh reality of Autistic Spectrum Disorder-accelerated, PTSD-enhanced, ADHD-riddled, depression/dysphoria-exacerbated bullshit that is my brain is that, without my mother, I would be in care, or I would be dead - because I would have taken my own life by now.
Without my mother, I would not be able to attend appointments that are essential in getting the medication that has enabled me to realise my dream of creating animated movies and have a chance at making a career of it. I would not have been able to even collect said medication, due to fear of leaving my house. Without my mother, I would have no one to vent my emotions and cling to, crying, like a rock in a storm. I'd have no one to "ground" myself against, in fact, I'd have no one.
For the last 31 years my mum has not only been the best maternal presence in my life any child could possibly wish for, she's also replaced a father's input, while simulatenously surviving abuse against her, by members of her own family. My mum's been through so much shit, and yet she doesn't complain. She is a silent, unspoken hero, unneeding of a cape, and completely, wholeheartedly, unwaiveringly devoted to supporting her children above and beyond the call of duty of any mother.
Here I am at 31, being able to type this blog post, working on my animations and evolving science fiction universe, having lived this long despite life-threatening mental health issues that, let me tell you, would have killed me if not for my mother. I am able to sit here and type this, and have some positivity about being able to acheive something in my life- because I'm incredibly lucky to have a mother that has never, in my 31 years, ever, ever faltered in her support for me, despite working full time since my father forced the sale of our house some 10 years ago, and before that, she worked part-time while caring full time for two children (me and my sister) with very little input from aforementioned father.
My mum is the most hard-working, honest, reliable, resiliant and compassionate, loving human being I've ever known. Admitedly, I haven't known many, but from this post you can see what she does for me. Yet my mum has taken abuse from her family (because apparently mental illness really does run in our family), largely relating to me, but despite all of this she has never faltered. Not once. I am so lucky to have her. I am so lucky to have a roof over my head and food in belly and safety, access to this computer to create my universe and realise my dream and I owe ALL of it to my mum.
Every single day, I remind myself what my mum does for me. From basic, every day things like cooking me meals and helping me with doing my washing to complex and time-consuming tasks like sorting out my many appointments, calling doctors, helping with my medication and reviews, finances and making sure I won't get into debt. Baking me birthday cakes and every single year, always offers to sing happy birthday to me. I, of course, decline, but bless her for offering.
I could go into even more detail but I don't want to put my personal life on the internet in such detail. I will say, though, that my mum is the reason I'm alive (in more ways than one) and If I achieve anything with my life, I will owe every single bit of it to her - and mark my words when I say that I know that, and I will do everything in my power to support her and be there for her for the rest of her life. That is my oath to her. My committment. It's the least I can do.
I don't give a shit if it's not Mother's Day, but for me, every day is Mother's Day.
And "dad", if you're reading this post - I didn't even need you. Don't even want you in my life. Why? Because mum more than replaced you. She stood up and took on the role of both my parents, despite my issues, and she did better than you ever could.
Ending notes:
I will make a future post on the nuances of why 'forced exposure' doesn't work with a certain level of anxiety and give real-life examples, from my experience, where this approach made things far worse.
If my extended family read this post they will almost certainly try to weaponise it into something akin to 'she covers him in cottonwool, no wonder he is not independent'. But these people are ignorant, short-sighted and have absolutely no idea what it's like to be me, or live every day with the issues that THEY caused me to have.
In my time here in my room, with my mum's support I've developed an ability to self-reflect and analyise my own thought processes that has helped me become more self-aware and will be the foundation of my ability to overcome my problems. None of this would be possible without mum's support.
I do not need to justify myself to anyone. This post is simply to publicly record and acknowledge how important my mum has been to me and why she will be the cornerstone of my future success and I will owe everything to her when I do achieve that success. Because I will.
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