Sorry, I wanted to give this post a fancy name, but it probably won't have fancy content. Or maybe it will, I don't know. Who even cares? Anyway the premise is that I've reached the point where I literally can't maintain friendships anymore. If you (that one random internet person) read my blog you'll probably see it's littered with posts about this subject, and how, in general, I really don't get on with people.
I'm self-aware enough to know this is mostly my problem, but it's compounded by behaviours of others that are the result of a cycle that my own behaviour initiates. (boot-licking leads to narccisism eventually, pasing through the realms of "I can do no wrong because the other party always admits to being wrong even when they're not"). Not saying anyone I was friends with was a narccisist, but elements of this progression were definitely present.
Fun fact: someone reading this post will almost certainly overreact and take the above as my accusing them of being a narccisist. Well, at least there is some predictability in that usually unpredictable mess of emotions and social bullshittery.
Anyway, I've reached the point (The "Critical Threshold", lol) where I no longer want to maintain these relationships because they always cause me to have major emotional issues. Again, largely the result of my own broken social complex (no, I'm not blaming everyone around me, I know my own problems). To that end, I'm basically stopping the friendships in the water. I.e, cutting people off and just enjoying my own company for once (and the company of my cats, they are much nicer than humans. Predictable simplicity. Food = Love).
Furthermore, other peoples' problems (such as emotional overreaction) heavily compound my own, and it becomes a chronic, self-repeating cycle that is impossible for me to handle other than just saying "Nope!" and cutting off the relationship.
Unfortunately, this has been building for years, as my blog clearly demonstrates. Perhaps the biggest challenge for me is to not 'come crawling back' to those people and apologise for everything - including things that are objectively not my fault - in order to butt-kiss them back into being my friends. The fickle "up/down" and "love/hate" emotional mood swings I have often cause that (especially after my anti-deppressants kick in).
Anyway, as a final note, to anyone readings this: no it's not personal. To think it's personal is over inflating your importance because it assumes I've spent the last 25+ of my life suffering from mental health issues just to be personal to one person now - nope.
In another universe, maybe we could have been normal, happy friends. Well, this universe isn't that one, and you can thank a special type of person for that.
Ciao.
Comments